God's Inner Quiet

Almost a year later ...

Stinking dissertation! @#$%$#! My first thougtht this morning. Gross, ah? And had to go and use that language on a Sunday too.

Peeled my butt out of bed, left for church 15 minutes late, sat out in the lobby, drank a cup of coffee, and listened to most of the sermon, then I don't know why but I went in.

Charlie, our pastor, was talking about our current decade, the decade of fear and anxiety. He started talking about 9-11, how there were 10x more depressed and anxious people now than there were 40 years ago. You could feel the tension in the room rising. He started in on how the economy was poor, housing market had lost all kinds of money, stocks had cut most retirement funds by a quarter; it wasn't pretty. I shaved my head this morning and I still felt the hair in my scalp standing on end!

Two quick jumps, following him.

Moses took a couple million people walking out of Egypt, toward the Red Sea, and Special Forces of their time came after 'em. They were probably worried. A bit. God said, "Chill." (The direct translation is "who's your daddy?"or something like that.) Anyway, bottom line, God said this is a chance to grow faith. All you gotta do is let me do my thing. And they did.

Second jump, letter to the Phillipians.

Paul wrote to them that good things are from God. Any good thing. Breathing today. That swallow you were just able to do. Your ability to read this. He said, focus on the good things, and thank God for them. Because he gave 'em to you.

An incidental sideways glance into me would have told you that right then, I began to digress. Wondering why I always apply good lessons to others but avoid self-application like the plague. It is stupid to always give others the gift of wisdom and parch myself.

So, I think Charlie intended to teach on anxiety and faith this morning. But God's Inner Quiet must have wanted me to learn about faith, silence and the foolishness of pure intellectual belief. I want more than what I have. I want to want God like an addict wants the next fix, like a greedy tycoon wants the next deal.

God watches UFC?

So ... God and I were watching a couple of guys beat the snot out of each other in a scientific, skilled manner. Alleluia for MMA. Mixed Martial Arts for those of you stuck in a previous decade. I was watching modern day gladiators savage each other and both enjoy it. Something in them responds to the expressive aggression in a way that makes the blood, sweat, and thousands of hours worth the effort. And at the beginning it is not the money because they make squat for their first matches until they prove they are the real thing. So what is it? Maybe the adrenaline, maybe the rush of victory, or maybe just the basic raw love of the fight. And then it dawned on me. God is a mighty warrior. He wins every time he gets in the octagon, the cage most of the MMA fights are held in. And his robe of white is somewhere else because a warrior would not wear a robe into a fight because it would bind them at inopportune times. So, when God fights does he crush the opposition? That is what a mighty warrior would do.

Then he would go have a pint of the best beer he could find to celebrate. I don't know if I am missing something but that is how I view a mighty warrior. I wonder, is my perspective off or is that pathetic picture of Christ a prissy fraud?

A Punishing God?

Is God a Punishing God? Yesterday, I realized that, in my gut, I believe that God is an angry, vengeful being. That sucks. I want to know the part of God that is love but right now, I don't. Is God more love or more justice? I think right now, I just am not experiencing the love side. He is so strong, yet he lets screwed up things happen. Maybe I will see him differently later but right now, I don't like him much.

What do you think, punishing or loving?

Complexity and other little things ...

I was working with a couple today who had a one month old little boy. He was adorable!! Imagine the odd juxtaposition of the direct confrontation required to get through to an alcoholic, the anger of a wife who has been lied to many times and the sweet scent of a baby and the little but heavy weight of the boy who I was keeping calm by bouncing. I was a bit overwhelmed a few times. I was calming, confronting, and comforting simultaneously. Oh yeah, and I was trying to ignore my own paternal urges which I have been getting quite a bit lately. Holding that beautiful little boy probably did not help me stay focused on the therapy. At that time, I knew there was too much going on for me to manage coherently. I gave that session to God.

And I enjoyed it more than I ever have before. I've done a few therapy sessions (five years of working in this field), but today was the first time I couldn't manage all of the dynamics in the room. And it worked out. Well.

I don't know if their relationship will weather this storm but I dearly hope so.

That date in history ...

On the day I was born, the number one song according to the Billboard charts was "I'm Your Boogie Man" by K.C. & the Sunshine Band. I didn't even know about this song before tonight. One of my co-workers says that I was raised in a cave. She was right. But poking my head out of my cave is an enjoyable experience.

complicated salvation

If you have not seen Black Snake Moan, I'm not sure you want to. But as I was watching/writing my dissertation, I was struck by the complexity of the plot. The main characters are two individuals suddenly cast adrift by life circumstances, confused and grasping frantically for any kind of meaning in life.

If you are easily offended or distracted, don't watch this movie. But the resolute choices of the male lead to face down the Black Snake Moan, his name for the devil within each of us, amazed me. I think salvation/redemption tend to be more organic and messy than most religious bodies acknowledge it being. What if true salvation only occurs when the very core of you meets the Spirit of God? Think that happens when you are in a suit and a tie?

If so, think again. For me this type of meeting only occurs when I can taste the smokiness of my blood in my mouth from the worst beating I have ever experienced. When I feel unable to get up and I'm in the most pain my body can feel, whether physical or emotional, I begin to meet God.

After that, my eyes can open, my nostrils catch scents for the first time, my skin knows its surroundings like never before. Once my spirit knows it won't be comfortable I begin to accept my need for Him. Have you experienced a complicated salvation?

My major? ... Political Silence

Perhaps you have heard the early whispers of the vast political machines supporting the top presidential candidates...
Me too. And I do not believe most of what I hear. What I want is a politician who says what he or she actually thinks. Yeah, I know, a pipe dream. So I am moving away from discussing politics for a few months. Instead, I am going to spend the next few months intentionally loving the individuals around me. I am going to drink in each relational success and actively pursue the things that are real and meaningful.
So, do I think one of the politicians is the best choice? For now, my major is political silence.